I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
