I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
