this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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