I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
