my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
