I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I touched a dick in church today
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
