omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
