so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
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