She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I checked into jail on foursquare
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
