Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
how does that bad decision feel?
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
