You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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