she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
