i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
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