the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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