ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
