is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
