i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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