I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
