Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
