Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize