You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
