Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
