Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
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