you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Randomize
