I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
