Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
my poor anus
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
