So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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