Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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