dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
