shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
