you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
