The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize