Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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