Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Randomize
