Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Randomize
