Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
