My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
