god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize