Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
