The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
