oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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