im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
