I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
