hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Randomize
