please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
