Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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