i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
