If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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