I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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