i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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