I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
