There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
