woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
