Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Found the puke drawer
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
