i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
