i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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