If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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