He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Randomize
