She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
